Random Walks in the Low Countries
Reflections and observations on the expatriate experience from an American scientist living and working in the Netherlands.
Last year, Dorset was hit with a series of storms, but this season has been more placid all along the coast.
‘January closed, lots of good things finished. I took a diversion on the way to the store, looking for light and contrasts in the winter twilight-around Sandbanks.
It’s a working week from the road, ranging from Braintree to Poole, London to Reading. I need to moderate work and travel, getting back into healthier habits by February. So I’m making an effort to stay off email before 9, on the bike after 5, and to cook regular meals in the evenings. I’m reading again, catching up with articles pushed into Pocket during my travels and popping Baldacci spy novels downloaded from the library at bedtime.
‘Among the interesting bits bobbing up so far:
HIIT Training: The New York Times has been advocating High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT), periods of extremely intense activity alternated with brief periods of recovery. The workout is supposed to promote strength and endurance – I would hope to be able to use it as a travel-friendly routine that accelerates my (re)conditioning
I’ve adapted it midway into my hour’s biking as 30 seconds on / 1 minute off, repeated ten time. It boosts my heart rate towards 160 and the calories expended by 20% during a 50% increase (60 –> 90 rpm) in effort. I wish that the bike could show how progressive and sustained the bursts are: I can only gauge that it’s difficult to maintain the intensity by the seventh rep.
And no, that’s not me (yet) in the graphic.
Keeping Friends: Gerald Mollenhorst, a social psychologist in Utrecht, reported five years ago that while the size of people’s social networks are remaining constant, the composition of their close relationships are changing more quickly. On average, half of a person’s close friends would likely be replaced by new ones within seven years, mostly driven by a lack of meeting opportunities.
In particularly Dutch context, Mollenhorst also looked at implications for neighborhoods, finding that “locale has not lost relevance to its residents”. Neighbor networks have changed, becoming more superficial, contacts more about holding a ladder than discussing important personal matters. But for the Dutch elderly, non-movers and home-owners, neighbors are more, not less, important parts of their voluntary personal networks.
The flip side would be that tumbleweeds and expats would tend to become more isolated by their lifestyles. So, as practical advice, here are pointers for Dutch friendships.
Forming habits: Conventional wisdom holds that actions repeated for 21 days become habitual. That’s actually a distortion, derived from 1950’s research that surgical patients accepted their new self-image within three weeks. A recent study suggests that new habits actually set over 84 days, with lots of individual variation averaging to 66 days. Happily, an occasional lapse in maintaining a new habit didn’t affect its consolidation.
Business self-help writers are breaking this into a series of tasks and milestones. I find that it’s more just simple practice: do it regularly until it becomes second nature, then celebrate with a good shared reward when its taken hold.
Finding perfection: Many activities in life involve searching, for a best product, solution, maybe a partner. How much must you search, and how do you know when to stop? The BBC asked mathematician Matt Parker for a suggestion, and he advanced one from probability: the Optimal Stopping Problem.
Suppose that you figured that you could get to know 100 potential partners and wanted to decide when to stop and have a long-term relationship with a likely ‘best’ one. (Note: this is his example, not mine).
Start with a sample of the whole (n) people, sqrt(n), therefore consisting of 10 of the 100. Date them, and rank them so that you know who was best in that group. The optimal strategy would then be to continue meeting people until the first one came along who was better than that, then stop.
There are other strategies that might be tried, and there was a lively discussion on Radio 4 about whether there could be any general mathematical rules governing human relationships.
My orchid is budding this morning.
It likely doesn’t seem like a big thing, but for a ‘brown thumb’ gardener its nice when a plant responds to my clumsy TLC. My absences, the winter cold, the radiator’s heat have all stressed the flock, but the chili has new pods, the violet is in bloom, and the vine is stretching. The back yard herbs are recovering from the January freeze.
I set to tending and trimming, sipping coffee while reflecting, ever busy in my mind.
1- When I checked on you, I found that you have a lot of loyalty to the business and to its people. They frowned as though that was a problem to be solved. I held my tongue.
When I believe in an idea, a person, a course of action, then I am long-term loyal to it. I care about circumstances and work for good outcomes, giving kindness and compassion and expecting it in return. If things go off track, I have believe in talking things through and in giving second chances.
Should we be loyal? To what, for how long: must it be reciprocal or mutually beneficial? The concept seems frayed. Certainly loyalty based on mutual interest in business or nation has faded, and people are too often careless with honesty and selfish in action.
But I still believe in personal loyalty, often to a fault. It’s difficult for me to recognize when loyalty reaches its limits, and to understand when I need to become more dispassionate. When I must, I still suffer remorse and regret that I didn’t do more, differently.
Maybe the investor is right, and I need to let go of some people and products. But loyalty still matters to me: still doing the right things in times of hard change.
2- Good intentions aren’t just enough, they are everything. This month, I feel that I will be judged by the outcomes that I achieve. Motivation and effort are not enough: success is the only criteria.
The Shrink and Sage debated the issue, both concluding that it is better to judge ourselves by our goodness than by our accomplishments. We should look to intentions, goals that have deep personal resonance and that bring out the best in us, rather than to the attainment of some intended end.
In this season of establishing resolutions, is it better to look to the successful completion of tasks, or to the nurturing of goodness? Is it more important to strive for greater kindness and empathy, or to reconcile specific problems and shortcomings?
In the end, I know that my failures (should they come) may be mitigated by knowledge that my heart was in the right place, that I did what I could, and that I kept to the high road. By holding to principles, to intentions, I avoid blaming myself for outcomes that circumstance may have dictated, or judging myself for failures that were simply beyond my capacity to fix.
3- My silence speaks volumes. I shook my head: If a wrong is being committed, you have a duty to speak up. Bearing silent witness sends no message; you are simply complicit.
In his Nobel acceptance speech, Ellie Wiesel said I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.
I am sensitive to the danger of being too aggressive and long-winded in speech, of taking umbrage or venting irritation, of being misinformed or defensive. An appropriate period of silence can prevent me from making mistakes or helps to soften a response. A knowing silence can reinforce authority; a reflective one denotes respect.
But silence alone cannot right a wrong: there is no kracht van de stilte. As King observed, In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
As anticipated, my five challenges have consumed the month of January, every hour and every day. Progress is apparent, but I have to admit that I’m starting to get tired. I can tell when there is more energy than thought going into my actions, when the day’s worries too easily lap over into the night’s dreams. I recognize the wary sensitivity and easy umbrage.
A break is overdue: I haven’t taken even an afternoon ramble along the beach in nearly a month. Rightly, then, I purposefully turned my back on work and drove out to West Cliffs.
It was a cold and windy day along the Bournemouth shore, although beautifully sunny and clear. The Needles and Alum Bay, distant Isle of Wight, gleamed chalk-white on the horizon.
It’s nice to have the summer crowds gone, the beaches empty. Contemplative peace and quiet.
As only locals would, people slept in the sun and ate ice cream as though it were July while wryly smothered in January parka’s and hoods. Bundled couples in matching colours swayed and laughed, holding hands and squinting into the wind. A few families carried on summer-life-as-usual in beach huts, studiously oblivious to winter.
Bournemouth is building a new gateway to the Pier, reconnecting the river to the sea, adding decorative lighting and pavilions. Promenade café’s are being torn down and re-erected, though the concept pictures look exactly like the demolished buildings. The Oceanarium is adding a Penguin Pond, appropriately.
The zipline was doing a lot of business, firing riders at the beach from the pier’s tower every few minutes.
No fishermen or surfers, swimmers or bar-b-q’s today – everyone was walking determinedly, stoically, keeping warm.
It was all quite ordinary, quite delightful for a mile’s walk. Worry diminished and fell away; optimism returned.
I need to remember to make more time for time off.
‘time on the road means time to read, to think, to reflect. Especially in winter, I’m not out wandering the streets in search of art and culture, but am more likely indoors stroking my Nexus through newspapers, books, magazines, and blogs.
So, a selection of what’s recently caught my eye.
Can you fall in love in 36 questions? I’ve always believed in love, but also know that I can’t choose who loves me nor can I create romantic feelings in another. But Dr. Arthur Aron found in experiments dating to the 70s that progressive discovery through guided conversation turns the trick. A NYT reporter re-discovered the research and applied it. But, on trying it out, I found the questions more disquieting than revealing. I needed some time to reflect on most of them, and even the simple ones (Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?) felt layered. I much prefer the 10-day challenge.
Skeptically.
I know that I’m thinking deep thoughts when the predictive text can’t anticipate what I’m going to type next. A sentence like
I trust entirely in the evident demonstration of realities not yet beheld, close to defining psychosis, for behind both faith and delusion lies unshakable belief. (McClean)
is beyond the reach of SwiftKey’s statistics.
Satisfyingly.
My, you’re looking robust, my landlady greeted me. Brit-speak for “We’ve gained a few over Christmas, haven’t we?”. I’m well short of 2012’s weight, well over 2013’s dramatic lows, but would like to get back to a moderate twelve stone even. Not a big stretch, but it means getting back on the horse with regular exercise and healthy eating. I’m getting back to the Leisure Centre daily and experimenting with lighter dinners: some fresh vegetarian soups and steamed Pak Choi/salmon dishes have come out quite nicely.
Satiated.
There was a lovely essay about the varieties of grieving in the NYTimes this month. Increasingly, people I know are suffering losses as the years advance, and its important to remember that everyone has their own story and need to work through things on their own terms.
Sympathetic.
The Eagles Airie 3324 is a comfortable bar and club on the Eastside from Seattle: member only, guests welcome. The whole concept of an FOE social club is a bit of an anachronism: common in my grandfather’s generation when service clubs like Kiwanis and Rotary united businessmen like Toastmasters or the Chamber of Commerce do today. I dropped in for beer and burger: it was like an alternate future waiting for me if my businesses failed. Older folks, football jackets, local gossip, and familiar faces, bonded in a clubhouse. I don’t think that I could ever put everything aside and simply become that.
Sobering.
Would you like a sleep suit? The question was baffling.
A onesie? Worse.
A glass of champagne? I nodded, gratefully.
‘minus the accessory, yes.
I had made a late reservation to a Board meeting in Jacksonville, and Virgin tucked me into Upper Class. The menu promised a flight of Mojitos (rum, vodka, gin, champagne, and seltzer variations), 
beef wellington, Romanian wines, and a lie-flat sleeper. Since the movies were limited, I enjoyed the rare peace to eat well, read quietly, and sleep comfortably.
I considered Instagram-ing the experience, but I’m still trying to sort out the best was to use it. Websites that teach Instagram best-practices suggest to have a distinctive point of view or theme and not to over—share. So, how best to visually describe my unique expat-entrepreneur experience? A sequential narrative, or a moment; people or places? What is recognizable and compelling? Is it travel-blogging or something more?
The jet stream is unusually strong this year, so westerly flights are slow, easterly returns fast. Layovers in Atlanta in crowded desultory lounges are dispiriting (although the terrace in International is wonderful). It was nice to finally arrive in Florida after 22 travel hours: Palms and birds, golf courses and open-air restaurants, warm alternatives to cold Poole. This is part of why one joins a Board.
Our two days of working sessions brainstormed a few new strategies and resolved a lot of issues. There was good wine and tall tales to cap each day’s work.
There was a lot to be done in England a well so I embraced the jet lag, getting up around 4 am for five hours work before the executive sessions began. Calls to the US from the UK have a distinctive ring and everyone could tell that I was out of position. But email and phone conferences work the same is if I was home, and nobody could really complain about how I spent my own weekend.
I’ve read that international airline pilots get three days off for every four that they fly. It should be the same for me: two days in the US and back to Europe is brutal (although w.wezen reminds me to say Things are a bit difficult at present, instead). It was satisfying to have my new residency on entry, the Border greeting seemed a tad warmer than usual.
My only regret is not saying ‘Yes to the onesie when it was offered. Apparently they have a lot of utility after the flight, even if some think they are a bit scratchy.
Thank you, Richard, and next time for sure. ‘just don’t call them ‘pyjamas’ any more.
